Play by Play of Lynchburg Zoning Warrants Vote

A large crowd saw last night’s theatrical production at the City Council Playhouse – By Mateus Jewel

Local players, “The Gang of Four,’ entertained us with the comic fantasy morality play entitled “Black is White. Or How a Warrant is not a Warrant.” Staged in three acts, the action stylized the conflict between the Mandarins and masses.

Act one presented the brave Metroligarchs struggle with the Riffraffi, or ‘unmoneyed’ types. Colorfully represented by a septuagenarian cult, also known by their generic name “the Gentrificati”. They scorned the Riffraffi for partying with tea and criminals. For their impertinence and lack of deference to the mandarin code…”See no Evil, Hear no evil, Speak no Evil.” It’s the foreigners, they said, with their outsider lawyers. They’re seducing our freed slaves and indentured peoples to talk back. Boss Payne had told them about these nefarious outsider judicial types. Not like our judges, he had said.

In Act Two, The people were unmuzzled, and behaved unusual un-mob like acts. Like bringing legal and ethical sources, scholarly argument, evidence, witnesses and stuff. This seemed to bore Prince Gillette a little, sometimes feigning mirth. The corrupt provocateurs and their foreign and legal apparatchiks railed, one after the other, against the Empire. The septuagenerians, also known as ‘the justified and  ancient’ had visions of a previous dynasty, of people termed ‘carpetbaggers’ , and someone called Jim Crow.

Members of the Imperial Guard appeared  in case the specter of real debate should begin. Fortunately, Empress Foster held out against the freethinkers and lawyers. Normally distracted youths spoke with wisdom, actually approaching the Imperial bench. The mass was falsely heartened by youth being on their side. What sort of spectacle did act three promise?

Act Three, or the fourth quarter in thespian circles, commenced with the people back in their muzzles. Now it was time for The Gang of Four’s arch-nemesis, Helgezilla, to breathe fire into the hearts of the Gentrificati. They were ashen-faced and cowed  by his fearsome intellectual symmetry. In his wake, handsome favorite son Farmer Perrow cleared the smoke with homegrown right and wrong. The usually mysterious, but avuncular ‘H’, made it clear it was 3-0 against the Empire and the fight was on!

Now the Gang of Four had to mouth words in public…a most uncomfortable experience for them. They’d managed to stay mute for four months about the dreaded General Warrant. Brahmin Nelson said a lot, but most forgot it right away. No one ever seemed to remember what he said.

A dramatic turn! Some forty riffraffi , young and old, got up in silent protest and held signs that say ‘No’. Probably supplied by “paid political types.”

Once again, it was up to Prince Gillette to save the day!  We’re not afraid of signs, he said. “Black Is White’, he cried and the scrofulous crowd howled.

“Off with their heads “ cried Empress Foster.  Silently leashed beside her, she kept her poodle ‘Ceasor’ who got excited and barked a little at the riffraffi.  A cardboard cut-out of the Reverend of Brookneal stood next to her. It actually spoke but the crowd had never heard of the Rev. before and weren’t sure of his authenticity. Was the Payne Dynasty threatened?

Never fear, said she. Our Prince says warrants are no such thing, don’t you worry. Laws never actually mean what they say. Our Svengali, Rasputirwin says so, and he’s always right. Helgezilla roared once more. But right finally triumphed against wrong and all the people had to hand their house keys to the Zoning Police. Prince Gillette and a Zoning Police official were heard offstage saying  ‘It’s much more efficient.’ Long Live The Empire!

It must be said that the Empress remained fully clothed for the production.

From our own correspondent.